WEEK 12

It has been raining heavily here all week. Which has been very fitting to my mood.

Week 12 brought with her exhaustion, cravings, anger, anxiety and sadness. But she did leave me with a special gift. The gift of relief.

I have been so tired this week that my body feels weak. I feel like I did after I hemorrhaged after giving birth to Scarlett. I have always been anemic since then but I think it could be at a dangerous point now so I am going to see Boss Lady and maybe have some blood taken - like that will help! Last night as I sat watching Master Chef with Sam practically drooling over all the scrumptious food they were cooking up, I felt so unwell that my body was almost shaking - like I was coming down with the flu. I told him how unwell I was feeling. He made me and Pinapple Pizza and an icey cold Diet Coke. It helped and the shakes went. Thanks Babe x.

Lately since the Winter has been so fierce I have had so much extra time on my hands. I am unable to take photo's at the beach as there has not been any sunsets. I feel terrible as so many people are waiting on a photo for their child. I guess that is life and Mother Nature is bringing the rain for a good reason. So where was I? Ummm oh yeah, extra time. I have been watching a ridiculous amount of night time TV. Law and Order SVU (What a chirpy show that is) NCIS ( My absolute favourite!) Medium and many others, but the one that I am absolutely hooked on is Master Chef Australia - Oh Lord that show makes me hungry! The other night they made these chocolate puddings that I would have almost been willing to give an arm for. I was so down that I did not have the ingredients to make them that I settled for a tub of Betty Crocker Chocolate Icing - yes you read that right - I ate icing straight out of the tub. On its own, and not in my proudest parenting moment ....... with Scarlett.

We had a moment of sunshine on Tuesday morning so I took the girls out for a drive. We were going to a park when Scarlett told me she wanted to see the Kangaroo's. There are literally hundreds of Kangaroo's at the cemetery so I thought we would go there and visit a few special people that have gone before us. We drove in and got to a point where there were many kangaroo's basking in this spot of sunshine that we were receiving. I pulled into a car park and we all got out. I noticed that in this particular section there were much more flowers and ornaments than all the other sections in the cemetery. As I got closer to the graves I realized that we were in the section for children and babies. I sat on the ground and cried. Even though my son is not buried there it hit me like a ton of bricks that I belonged there. A parent of a baby that died.

The girls and I got out my notebook and pen from the car and we went and looked at all the names on the graves. I wrote them all down. When the weather clears I will write them all at the beach and print the photo's out to take and leave at the cemetery for their families to find. We admired the beautiful shrines of love and sadness made for each child by their family. It made me realize just how much I want to have a special place for Christian that we can all visit when we need some time with just him. He feels very far away at the moment.

When we got home I was given some sad news by someone so very dear my family and I. I don't want to go into it here. All I will say is that this news really broke my heart.

After trying to compose myself from what had been a sad day I realized that I had 5 minutes to drink pratically a bucket of water for an ultrasound that I was due to have an hour later. I drank this water so quickly that I had to stand completely straight without even tilting my head as I would throw it all back up. Sam came home and we all jumped in the car and headed for the hospital. We got there only to be told that I needed hospital paperwork to have the ultrasound. After a few minor drama's the receptionist would not let me in. So we drove home. I could say a lot about how this place is run and my thoughts on some of the staff there but I will choose to keep quite for now as I am not in the mood for plastering this post with bad language.

I went in the next day. By this stage I was quite anxious about the outcome of this ultrasound. The technician looked at the baby's head first and to my relief I saw that this little water baby has a full brain - and a stomach. This was the most welcoming news. This little baby has more brain matter now at 13 weeks than Christian had when he was born. He or she also has a stomach which Christian did not. Right now we are just so thankful that this baby is whole and healthy. It is all we can ask for.

To start week 13 off Scarlett woke me up in the early morning with a big smile on her face. In one hand she was holding the tub of Betty Crocker Chocolate icing and in the other - two spoons. How perfect.

BABY THIS WEEK












Image Bye BabyCenter.com.au